I used to think I was too big. Like too tall, too chubby, too “much”. When we moved to Seattle when I was 4 I had a thick Israeli accent, a big personality, and a sense the way I did things was the right way. But before that I lived on Kibbutz Lahav and knew practically everyone there. At 3 years old I could walk home from The Childrens House where we slept at night all by myself, and stop by neighbors’ homes and ask for snacks. I was the largest kid in my age group, the clothing in the communal bins was often too small for me, and I consistently ate the most. But, I had the sense that I was fine the way I was. My size, my height, my way of being was who I was and there was nothing I needed to change.
Something happened when we moved to the States, or my new neighborhood in Seattle at least. I felt how different I was; how out of place. My parents were also displaced and nearing the end of their marriage. I absorbed what was around me and what wasn’t anymore. I think that’s when I decided 𝘐 was what was wrong. I was what didn’t fit in. It’s a feeling that’s been hard to let go of. Amazing how those messages (whether heard or felt or assumed) can stay with us.
How about you, what message did you absorb about yourself that has been hard to shake?